Listening and Understanding

1. Listening Versus Active Listening

Effective communication is fundamental to resolving conflicts, building relationships, and achieving mutual understanding. At the heart of communication lies listening—not just passive hearing but active listening, which requires focus, attention, and empathy. In this lesson, you’ll explore the differences between passive and active listening, learn how to apply active listening in conflict resolution, and learn key techniques such as summarizing, paraphrasing, and reflecting. By understanding the importance of listening and using these skills, you’ll be able to enhance your communication and conflict resolution capabilities.

When most people think of listening, they think of simply hearing someone speak. However, active listening goes far beyond that—it’s about fully understanding the message and showing the speaker that you’ve grasped what they’re saying in terms of both content and emotions.

Active listening requires paying close attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues.

EXAMPLE

Making eye contact and maintaining an open body posture lets the speaker know that they have your undivided attention. In contrast, if you’re checking your phone or distracted by other tasks, it becomes obvious to the speaker that you’re only half-listening.

Active listening can be summed up as listening with intention and empathy. It’s important to give feedback to the speaker, demonstrating that you understand not just the words but also the emotional content behind them. This kind of listening is important in any relationship, whether personal or professional.

2. Active Listening in Conflict Resolution

In conflict resolution, active listening is an essential tool. When emotions are heightened, it’s easy to focus on defending yourself rather than truly listening to the other person. However, real resolution comes from understanding each party’s perspective.

One of the cornerstones of conflict resolution is showing both parties that you have listened to and understood their points of view. This can be achieved by summarizing, paraphrasing, or reflecting back what was said. Importantly, it also involves suspending judgment. Active listening doesn’t mean you have to agree with the speaker—it simply means you understand their perspective before responding.

EXAMPLE

In a neighborhood dispute about noise levels, one party might say, “I can’t sleep because your dogs are barking late into the night.” If you’re the mediator, you could respond, “So you’re saying that the dogs barking is keeping you awake and it’s affecting your sleep?” This confirms that you’ve heard them correctly and opens the door for further dialogue.

term to know

Suspending Judgment

Refraining from evaluating an idea, person, or situation until after you’ve fully understood it.

3. How to Listen and Understand

Active listening involves several key techniques that help ensure effective communication. Summarizing, paraphrasing, and reflecting are essential parts of active listening, as they allow you to restate or clarify the speaker’s message, showing that you understand both the content and the emotional tone. Paraphrasing helps reword what has been said while reflecting emphasizes the emotional aspects. Asking clarifying questions, such as yes/no, short answer, leading, or open-ended questions, allows for deeper understanding and prevents misunderstandings. Additionally, using I-statements helps express your feelings and needs clearly without placing blame, fostering constructive dialogue and reducing defensiveness. Together, these techniques create a more engaged and empathetic conversation.

Summarizing, paraphrasing, and reflecting are all skills that enhance active listening. Each serves a different purpose, but, together, they help ensure clarity and understanding.

3a. Summarizing

When you summarize, you repeat the key points of what someone has said, often in checklist form. This lets the speaker know that you’ve captured the essence of their message. Summarizing is especially useful in situations where there is a lot of information being shared, like when you’re gathering instructions for a project or when discussing the next steps in a plan.

EXAMPLE

Your colleague might say, “We need to finalize the design, meet with the client, and send the proposal by Friday.” A good summary would be “So, you’re asking that we finalize the design, meet with the client, and send out the proposal by the end of this week?”

term to know

Summarize

To repeat the key points of a speaker’s message to show understanding.

3b. Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing involves restating the speaker’s message in your own words. Unlike summarizing, paraphrasing doesn’t focus on every single point but rather on conveying a general understanding of the content.

EXAMPLE

If a colleague mentions they’re frustrated with the team’s slow pace, you might paraphrase by saying, “It sounds like you’re concerned about how long this project is taking to complete.”

term to know

Paraphrase

To restate a speaker’s message in the listener’s own words to show understanding.

3c. Reflecting

Reflecting focuses on the emotional content of what the speaker is saying. This skill allows you to show empathy and understanding by acknowledging the emotions underlying the words.

EXAMPLE

Your friend might say, “I’m so stressed about everything I need to do before the weekend.” Reflecting might involve saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now.”

term to know

Reflect

To indicate that the emotional content or purpose of a message has been heard and understood.

3d. Asking Clarifying Questions

Clarifying questions are also a big part of active listening because they help clear up any misunderstandings or uncertainties. There are four main types of clarifying questions, each with a different purpose.

terms to know

Yes/No Question

A question used to confirm facts, answered by a “yes” or “no.”

Short Answer Question

A question used to reveal facts, answered by a single word or brief statement.

Leading Question

A question asked to confirm or disconfirm an assumption or belief of the asker.

Open-Ended Question

A question asked to elicit a detailed explanation of a situation.

3e. Using I-Statements

I-statements are a powerful way to communicate your feelings without placing blame or escalating a conflict. In contrast, you-statements tend to accuse or assign blame, making the other person defensive. I-statements focus on the problem rather than the person.

EXAMPLE

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “When you interrupt me, I feel like my opinion isn’t being valued, and that makes me frustrated.”

I-statements consist of three parts:

1. The action or behavior: Focus on what happened.
2. Your response/feeling: Explain how it made you feel.
3. The impact: Highlight the consequences of the action.

term to know

I-Statement

A conflict resolution technique used to explain how and why one person’s action affects the speaker.

4. Assertive Communication in Action

Assertive communication is about standing up for your own needs while also respecting the needs of others. It differs from aggressive communication, which is often disrespectful and focuses solely on the speaker’s needs. Assertive communication leads to healthier relationships and more effective problem-solving.

Assertive communication differs significantly from aggressive communication. When someone communicates aggressively, they often express their needs in a forceful or disrespectful way, ignoring or minimizing the other person’s feelings and needs. Aggressive communicators might raise their voice, use accusatory language, or disregard the other person’s input, leading to defensiveness or resentment. This style of communication tends to escalate conflicts and damages relationships, as it creates a hostile environment where one person’s needs are prioritized at the expense of the other.

In contrast, assertive communication promotes collaboration and mutual respect. By stating your needs clearly and directly while acknowledging the other person’s perspective, you foster an atmosphere where both parties feel heard and valued. This style of communication encourages dialogue, problem-solving, and compromise, leading to more constructive and healthier relationships.

4a. Components of an Assertive Statement

An assertive statement includes three things:

1. Empathy/validation: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective.
2. Statement of the problem: Clearly state what the issue is.
3. Statement of what you need: Explain the desired outcome.

EXAMPLE

“I understand that everyone is busy with their own tasks, but I need you to help with this report so we can meet the deadline.”

Let’s go a bit deeper into each piece of an assertive statement:

step by step

1. Empathy/Validation: This first step is about acknowledging the other person’s perspective. Empathy doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it shows that you understand and validate their feelings or point of view. This can diffuse tension and show that you are considering their side of the issue.
   
   

   EXAMPLE

   Saying, “I understand you’re feeling overwhelmed with your workload,” demonstrates that you’re aware of their situation before you introduce your own concern.
   
   
2. Statement of the Problem: After expressing empathy, the next step is to state the issue at hand clearly and calmly. This ensures that the other person knows exactly what your concern is without feeling attacked. It’s important to focus on the specific problem and avoid making generalized or personal accusations.
   
   

   EXAMPLE

   Instead of saying, “You never help me,” you could say, “I noticed that you haven’t had time to assist with the report this week.”
   
   
3. Statement of What You Need: The final component is to assertively state your need or the desired outcome. This is where you express what you want from the other person, focusing on a solution. Be specific and direct about what you need from them without being demanding or aggressive.
   
   

   EXAMPLE

   “I need your help with this report so that we can meet the deadline by Friday” is a clear and respectful way to communicate your expectations.

IN CONTEXT

Let’s apply these components to a real-life scenario. Imagine you’re working on a group project, and one of your teammates has not been contributing as much as expected. Instead of allowing frustration to build or addressing the issue aggressively, you can use an assertive communication approach.

• Empathy/validation: “I know you’ve been really busy with your other assignments, and I understand that balancing all your responsibilities can be tough.”
• Statement of the problem: “However, I’ve noticed that you haven’t had the chance to help with the research for our project as much as we had agreed.”
• Statement of what you need: “I really need your help to finalize the research section by tomorrow so we can meet our project deadline.”

In this scenario, you are not only expressing your concern but also acknowledging the other person’s situation and offering a solution. This type of communication promotes understanding and cooperation rather than confrontation or avoidance.

4b. Benefits of Assertive Communication

Assertive communication offers numerous benefits, fostering trust and mutual respect in relationships by promoting open and honest dialogue. This leads to stronger, healthier interactions, as individuals feel heard without feeling threatened or attacked. By clearly stating your needs, assertive communication minimizes the chances of miscommunication and misunderstanding. It also builds self-esteem and confidence, allowing you to express your thoughts and needs without guilt or fear while maintaining respectful interactions. Additionally, assertiveness reduces stress and anxiety by preventing feelings of resentment and frustration from accumulating, leading to greater emotional well-being. Finally, it encourages problem-solving by opening the door to solutions that work for both parties, focusing on collaboration rather than blame or winning arguments.

Here are some tips to help you practice assertive communication in your everyday interactions:

• Be mindful of your body language: Assertive communication is not just about words; it’s also about how you carry yourself. Maintain eye contact, stand or sit with good posture, and use open gestures. Avoid crossing your arms, pointing fingers, or displaying other aggressive behaviors.
• Stay calm and composed: Assertiveness requires self-control. Keep your tone calm and steady, even when discussing emotionally charged topics. Take deep breaths if you feel yourself becoming upset.
• Use I-statements: Focus on how you feel and what you need rather than accusing or blaming the other person. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me during meetings.”
• Be direct and specific: Vague statements can lead to confusion or misinterpretation. Be clear and specific about what you need or expect, and ensure the other person understands your request.
• Practice empathy: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and perspective before stating your own. This demonstrates that you’re willing to listen and consider their viewpoint, which can make them more receptive to your message.

reflect

Reflect on a recent conversation where you felt misunderstood or frustrated. Try to break down the conversation in detail. What was said, and how did both you and the other person respond? What emotions were involved? Take a moment to think about how the interaction could have been improved through the techniques you’ve learned in this lesson.

• Could you have practiced active listening during the conversation? Did you find yourself simply waiting for your turn to speak rather than fully understanding what the other person was saying? Consider how focusing on the speaker’s words, body language, and tone could have helped you grasp their perspective more clearly. How might the other person have responded differently if they felt truly heard? What feedback could you have provided to show that you understood not only the content but also the emotions behind their message?
• Think about any moments of confusion or misunderstanding in the conversation. Could asking clarifying questions—such as “What do you mean by that?” or “Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?”—have helped you get a better understanding of the situation? Were there assumptions that could have been clarified with a simple question? What kind of question would have been most helpful—yes/no, short answer, or open-ended?
• Reflect on how you expressed your thoughts and feelings during the conversation. Did you use you-statements that might have come across as accusatory or confrontational? How could switching to I-statements have shifted the tone of the conversation? For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might have said, “When you interrupt me, I feel like my opinion isn’t being valued.” How might this change in communication style have affected the other person’s reaction and de-escalated the situation?
• Consider whether you were assertive or passive in expressing your needs. Did you communicate what you needed clearly, or did you hold back? How could an assertive statement—one that acknowledges the other person’s perspective while still expressing your own needs—have created a more productive conversation? For example, you could have said, “I understand you’re busy, but I need some help with this project so we can meet the deadline.”
• Emotions often play a key role in communication breakdowns. Were you or the other person experiencing heightened emotions that clouded the conversation? If so, how could techniques like pausing to take a breath or defusing the situation have helped? Could you have shifted the conversation to address how the emotions were affecting the interaction, such as saying, “I notice we’re both feeling a little frustrated—can we take a moment to refocus?”

think about it

Now that you’ve analyzed the situation, think about how you can apply these skills in a similar future scenario. Would you slow down to listen more attentively? Would you ask more questions to ensure mutual understanding? Could you practice using I-statements more frequently or assert your needs without being confrontational? Write down two or three specific actions you’ll take in future conversations to prevent miscommunication and frustration.

Next time you’re in a conversation, particularly one that might be stressful or conflict driven, challenge yourself to use the techniques you’ve learned in this lesson. Focus on practicing active listening and notice the difference in how the other person reacts. Use clarifying questions to get a better understanding of their perspective, and see how they respond when you reflect their feelings or summarize their points. Afterward, reflect on how these tools influenced the conversation’s outcome. Did it feel more productive and less confrontational?

By reflecting on your past experience and applying the techniques from this lesson, you can take meaningful steps toward improving your communication skills and fostering more understanding in your conversations.

term to know

Assertive Communication

A style of communication where one expresses their needs clearly while respecting the other person’s needs.

watch

The following video is about the importance of active listening and assertive communication in resolving conflicts by focusing on two co-workers, Asli and Juan, and illustrating how misunderstandings and defensiveness can arise in a professional setting.